Porn for Plumbers

Even though you could imagine The Plumber and his preferences. His facility for intricate adjustments matched with raw strength for heavy lifting. His intimate affection for tiny parts and their proper location. The knowledge of piping, the in's and out's, and the management of fluids on the brink of overflow... Well, I'm just saying he might be a hard one to please, but as it turns out my plumber's taste in porn is pretty boring.

When I returned home to my apartment the other day I was surprised to find unique items on my computer desktop.

Pop-up windows go with porn like bread goes with butter, lubricants with dildos, so when I flipped open the screen returning from a long day of making double-sided copies and crafting the illusion of a naturally perky demeanor at my day job, I was surprised to see 3x5 windows offering me love and affections from nice blond-headed ladies.

Hmm, I thought, that's odd. Figuring the cosmos was giving me a sign. Likely, get laid girl. But a confusing sign because I don't really have a thing for blonds of either gender.

Cosmos, double check your notes!, I admonished, and closed the half-dozen pop-up windows without a further thought about it.

Seems the stars and their alignment had little to do with it. It has more to do with the plumber and his ring of keys granting him access to each unit in the building I manage.

Last week a leaky shower head in the upstairs bathroom had made it's way through the floorboards and out the ceiling of Unit 3. So this week our plumber and his buddy have been patching leaks and replacing ceiling tiles.

They did have reason to enter my apartment. I had asked them to put out bait for nasty little red roaches that, though infrequently appear in my kitchen, DO appear in my kitchen and therefore tempt my mind with their presents and require a wholesale stamping out.

However that was several days ago that they set the bait. Last night when I came home the pop-ups were back, so were a couple of downloaded pictures of international women in halter tops and cut offs leaning awkwardly on ocean-worn logs. And if that were not incriminating enough an internet browser was left open with the login name of my plumber.

I neglected to catch the name of the site, but did read the list of promises it made to it's users:

How do you know when she's ready to be kissed?

How to pick up ladies without using "pick up lines"?

Why do women want to destroy the fun in relationships? Find out how to make her enjoy the fun with you.

10 great "date night" ideas for zero dollars!

I offer my humble advise to my plumber; a husband, and father of 3 if I recall correctly. When taking advantage of an empty apartment with internet access away from the prying eyes of your wife and children be sure to destroy the evidence. Think of it like plumbing. You want all the labor to be unseen and hidden away. Just like a sewer line flowing deep beneath the surface of the earth. Because when it bubbles up for others to find, well, it's just gross.